The Perfect Triangle Isn’t So PerfectBy Carol Alt / Post / February 12, 2018
I watch enough ID (Investigation Discovery channel) to truly believe the following words I’m about to tell you. I’m watching a girlfriend go through this right now, her story follows below.
There are two big things that we do wrong in relationships, but they both stem from the same problem. We all seem to think that “it could never happen to me.” In other words, your ego is trying to screw things up for you!
My father once told me that “how you get a guy is how you lose a guy.” Basically what that means is, if you steal a guy from his wife or his girlfriend, then the guy is steal-able. This means there’s a possibility somebody else can steal him from you. It also means that he’s not truthful, trustworthy, or has ever heard of the word “fidelity.” You’ve got to ask yourself “why does anybody want a guy like that?” But I think a girl who steals a guy feels like she’s won something.
“How,” you ask, “does she not understand that he could (and most likely will) do the same thing to her? How does she not connect that he would do the same thing to her in the future?”
And the three letter word across is: ego! Ego is that part of the personality that gets us into trouble; it makes us eat too much, makes us want to win at all costs, and makes us cheat and steal to feel better than someone else. Seriously. And if you don’t believe me, you need to be a little more honest with yourself.
The next issue to watch for in relationships? WATCH how a person TREATS THEIR EX! Period. How the person you are dating treats their ex, or the problems that our lovers have with their exes is a surefire way of telling you what they are like and who they really are! It’s actually a godsend– they’re showing you how they handle adversity, how they handle being dumped, and how they handle people who disappoint or oppose them. At some point in the future, that could be you.
I know we want to think that the person we’re dating is so fabulous. That they would never hurt a fly, they would never cheat anybody out of money, that they would never lie. Even crazier thinking is that our lovers’ exes are completely and totally in the wrong and our lovers are totally and completely in the right.
Geez! How wrong can ya be? I learned a long time ago it takes two to tango, but that kind of thinking is not only just egotistical, (thinking that they would never do that to us- fantastic, fabulous us!) but it is dangerous. Watching and being aware of how our lovers treat their exes is very important (and yes, ID is full of stories of crazy exes and bad dates. I rest my case!).
Why then doesn’t anybody do that? I know love is blind. But at some point those blindfolds kind of fall off. You begin to see the person you’re with for who they really are. After the blindfolds begin to deteriorate, one of two things happens: you stay with the person accepting that he’s basically a jerk, or you don’t accept it and you leave because you want to put on a new pair of blindfolds with another jerk! But at the point that those blindfolds “kind of” fall off or partially begin to dislodge, you have to look and see how the person you’re with treats or treated their exes because that is exactly how they’re going to treat you at some point.
There’s no two ways about it. If we believe a tiger never changes it’s stripes or a leopard never changes his spots, then we have to believe that a guy who was a jerk to his first wife will be a jerk with you if need be. If he steals money from his first wife he will still it from you. Period! I have more than one famous girlfriend who told me that they kept a secret stash of money that their husbands never knew about and more than one of my girlfriends needed to use that stash of money when their husbands or boyfriends froze their accounts.
I’ve always looked at that as a very good piece of advice. The kind of advice you give to your daughters when they’re getting married. “Always keep a little something hidden – just in case.” It’s a new age version of what my grandmother used to do. My grandmother used to have a little cloth wallet that she pinned into her bra. Whenever she went out on a date she had money tucked into her bra. That way if anything happened she knew she could always get home. She called it her “mad money-” in case she got mad!
I know, times have changed and we don’t need that these days because we have credit cards, and cell phones. But what we do need is a bigger, different kind of net to catch us if we fall. How do I know this? Let me just tell you the story of my girlfriend, let’s call her Cathy.
Cathy married a guy at a very young age (let’s just call him Ray). She married at an age when she believed in love and marriage and fidelity and sharing everything to grow a nest egg together. At some point she grew up, they grew apart, and things started to change. For her, it was just a part of life. She still loved her ex, and still wanted to take care of him, but she wasn’t “in love with him anymore.”
Since Cathy was the main breadwinner, she took very good care of her ex. Because she did, the divorce went smoothly– well almost. There was one outstanding piece of business which hung over Cathy’s head for 10 years. Cathy told me she didn’t feel free because she still had this piece of business between her and her ex. It was like her ex was mentally tying her to him. Cathy had a great new man, but this piece of business tied them, and her, to her ex.
Ray’s new wife, for some reason, was much more angry with Cathy then Cathy was with her- let’s call her Linda. And even if Linda had actually originally endeavored to steal Ray from Cathy, Cathy held no grudge. At one point it became clear that Ray was lying about this deal that he had been holding over Cathy’s head. Cathy had no choice but to bring him to court so that she could see all the paperwork. At the end of the day, the court decided Ray had, in fact, stolen money.
The new wife, who knew nothing TRUTHFUL about Cathy and Ray’s finances, was angry with Cathy. She didn’t keep quiet about it. A fight between two people now became a triangle. But time marched on. And so did the players…
Now years later, Linda’s blindfolds have come off– she’s got a lot, and I do mean a LOT of kids– and guess what Ray is doing. You guessed it! He’s leaving her destitute. He’s fighting against child support, hiding the money the way he did against the first wife and trying to claim bankruptcy. Say what? This guy doesn’t even want to take care of his kids? Linda, trying to reach out to Kathy, had already burned that bridge. And for what? A lying, cheating, stealing, thieving, greedy guy. Who, by the way had done that before.
This all started me thinking that I need to speak to my SISTAS out there and my sistas need to give this blog to their daughters who are of marrying age, or even of dating age – hell give it to all the girls out there – and why do I choose the girls? Because we women seem to be more nurturing and believing in people. So take it from someone who’s been there, who’s watching girlfriends go through it, and watching other famous friends go through it- the best way to protect yourself is to watch how your lover treats their ex.
Just watch with an open mind and put yourself in the exes place. Then just put protocols in place to protect yourself. You may never need it, God bless you, if you chose well. But if you ever do need it, the safeguards are there. In the end, it reminds me of another saying my father had, “Better safe than sorry…..”
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A Healthy You
Edited by Jake Layton