Carol Alt

My Face Or My Ass

By Carol Alt / Post / April 13, 2016

I’m feeling the balance between two very significant aspects of my life recently, and I’ve been feeling that balance more and more these days. If you’re a man, you might wonder what I’m talking about, but chances are if you’re a fellow woman you know ALL too well the struggles in keeping an ass to face balance.

For example, if I want to be thin, my face looks gaunt. My cheeks sink in, and my skin hangs. If I want my face to look full and my skin to fill out and look smooth, then my butt needs meat!

Sometimes I wonder “should I be working out, or should I be eating?” Some days I’m working out AND eating at the same time, as I can’t make a decision!

Sometimes I look really fat, but in the mirror my face looks amazing! But then I don’t want to walk the red carpet because I can’t zip up my pants! Ugh.

And so I start to work out and I get my svelte body back, but I need a ton of makeup to give the illusion that I have a full young face. I put my hair into a super tight ponytail to get that “instant facelift.”

What is a girl to do- except for change gender? Men have it so easy. If he’s a little overweight nobody cares. If he’s got a little belly it means he’s prosperous. If he has a line on his face, clearly he’s got character and experience. In any case he’ll have a line of women waiting around the block to date him.

But put any of those things on a woman, and every other woman judges her when she walks into the room. Their eyes tell the facts that they see. “She’s too fat, she needs some Botox, perhaps even a little filler. And what’s that grey hair? When was the last time she colored?” Not to mention the other ways we destroy each other. “That outfit is from 2010. And it’s certainly not the right one to wear when you have a belly. The color of her hair is too light for the tone of her skin.”

And don’t forget my all-time favorite. “Are those shoes from last season?”

I actually had a salesgirl in a department store tell me she loved the shoes I was wearing. “They were so great last season!”

Why is it that as soon as the calendar year is flipped, you have to throw out your favorite shoes and bags? (We’ll talk about that later- fashion mistakes will take up an entire post.)

I have to say, when I watch these “Housewives” episodes, I have to marvel at how completely put together they are from head to foot. Constantly. And at a lunch the other day, one of these socialite wives had the nerve to tell me I needed a man to pay for my “upkeep.” I shouldn’t be paying for it myself, apparently. I need a rich man right now, today, before another penny gets drained from my purse for obvious upkeep.

First of all, and I quote from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail: “I fart in your general direction!” Meaning, that perhaps the reason I don’t need a man to pay for “all of my upkeep” is because my upkeep only consists of raw food!

I’ve never chosen men that way. And well… Well just maybe that’s my mistake. I’ve been known to fall in love regardless of what the particular man had, regardless of who he was. I’ve had long relationships to prove that. But I do have a drained pocketbook.

Alas, I’m finding there is no good balance for anything in life. Is there? If I err on the side of money, I might not really be in love. If I err on the side of love, he may not have money. If I err in favor of my face, my ass is too big. If I err on the side of my ass, my face is gaunt and I look way older!

For heaven’s sake, there are just too many decisions!

Edited by Jake Layton

Carol Alt

Learn more about Carol here.

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